we were judged not by what we said but by what we did

Pilkada nampaknya menjadi hal yang banyak dibincangkan di banyak daerah, demikian halnya dengan pemilu presiden yang tinggal menunggu bulan saja. Ups.. saya tidak akan berbicara tentang pemilu dan kandidatnya. Saya hanya ingin berefleksi sejenak tentang hidup saya (again????).

Pertemuan saya dengan beberapa orang, membuat saya tidak mudah percaya pada orang. Sebagaimana saya yang agak sulit diyakinkan dengan tulisan atau koar-koar seseorang. Tentu saja pengalaman yang melatarbelakangi hal itu semua.

bersambung....
 

Doing Gender in Online Games


Do you play online games? Online Games are one of the most popular leisure activities, not only for children, teenagers but also adult. It’s becoming one of the most eye-catching parts of social phenomenon in the last decade. In my leisure time, sometimes I play games online but I’m not games online addict. I usually did it when I’m stress out or saturated, and I haven’t think about the relation of online games and gender even though I’m doing gender for example when choosing an avatar. Joining this course (and of course this assignment) makes me questioned doing gender in online games and I started to looking more information about it.

Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (MMORPGs) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Massively_multiplayer_online_role-playing_game) are one of the most interesting innovations in online games. Through this game, the gamers can choose which role they want to be and develop. Of course, the key point in playing online games is interacting with other gamers, from any gender and other social background. MMORPGs allow gamers to explore a range of Identities by playing a character and develop their character; gamers can choose the gender, race, profession and morality of their character. The interesting part of online game is doing gender swapping; a man can be a woman in the virtual world and vise versa. This is probably because of the strict role division in that game, for example: role A and B are only for man, and role C and D are only for woman, or because they simply want to make character opposite to their real gender. It is interesting for me to question why a gamer do a gender swap in online game. It may be an interesting having experience of to be opposite gender or no gender at all and internet give an opportunity for it.

One study in online gamers (http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/mar/05/games.internet) found majority of them had switched gender while playing and women were more likely to switch than men. According to that study, there are several reasons women gender swap such as to avoid unsolicited male approaches on their female characters or because they felt male characters were treated better by other males during the course of the game. In contrast, another site (http://ezinearticles.com/?Gender-Bending-in-MMORPGS&id=1206274) said that 85% MMORPG players are male and up to 5x of them are more likely to gender bend than female. There are several reasons why men gender-bend, such as Female avatars are treated better and more likely to receive gifts and help from other players (who are mostly men). From this site (http://n4g.com/news/595748/top-reasons-that-men-play-as-female-characters-in-mmorpgs/com#c-4193238) there are several opinions why men play as female characters. This phenomenon means the gamer don’t know exactly what gender actually they are interacting with. Then I questioned does gender matter when you play online games? 

There are some issues here. Refer to Judith Butler that gender is a form of performativity, in the virtual world a person also performing the gender. In the cyber world as well as in MMORPG, a person can perform a character she/he wants. In the online game, gender is performed through an avatar. Reading those two sites, give as picture how a person will be treated differently according to her/his gender perform in the game. By doing the gender swap, a gamer can take advantage for example a male gamer swap to the female character in order to get prize due to the notion of helplessness and attractive female attributes. 

Besides giving choice of what gender of character you want to develop, you also choose what kind of class you want to be. Mostly there is also a strict gender division of class in the online game. For example role A and B for women while role C and D for men. Stereotypical thinking of women and men also portrayed in the online game. For example, if you are female, you are a healer. 

Another issue is related to the body. Most of online game portrayed women avatar as better looking by having more definition and a wider array of available accessories or decoration. It makes a female character simply more appealing to play than a male avatar. In the WoW, female characters are smokin’ hot, thin and have nice boobs. Then I questioned whether a male gamer does gender swap due to the sexy body portrayed by female character? Do people get satisfaction by playing a sexy deadly female body? It’s irritating for me since it means objectified women’s body. Moreover how women portrayed is not like most women look like in the real world.  
 

sisterhood

“We're connected, as women. It's like a spiderweb. If one part of that web vibrates, if there's trouble, we all know it, but most of the time we're just too scared, or selfish, or insecure to help. But if we don't help each other, who will?” ― Sarah Addison AllenThe Peach Keeper
Merriam Webster Dictionary defined sisterhood as the solidarity of women based on shared conditions, experiences or concerns. Feminists used the term sisterhood to express the connection of women who are not biologically related but bonded in solidarity. Hence, sisterhood is the solidarity among women. 

Talking about sisterhood is not always easy. We may share a same gender identity, as women; but we have a different background for example ethnicity, class, etc.; which shaped our experience. However, if we shared same condition, gender discrimination in whatever forms, why don't we support each other? Sometimes I'm tired experiencing, watching, reading or hearing things that weakening sisterhood. Do we have a strong sisterhood? Do we support each other?
 

prettiness

Pretty.. may be everyday we watch, hear or listen the commercials tell how to be prettier. Some people try to look prettier, whether using whitening cream, having plastic surgery, etc. Have we ever questioning the notion of pretty? The idea of pretty in somehow is imposed by the capitalism, like in my country prettiness is having straight long hair, fair skin, and thin. Yesterday I came across to pretty damn amazing speech about prettiness.

It reminds me with a quote by Gloria Steinem: "If you and I, everytime we pass a mirror downgrade how we look or complain about our looks, if we remember that a girl is watching us and that's what she's learning". Regards to the idea of prettiness, its a daily battle. I could not agree more with it.








 

I will never love you more

Accidentally I come across to that video on YouTube. It's has cute lyric rite? I never love you more than, by Soko, a French singer. This is the lyric:

I will never love you more than the drummer of Flaming LipsI will never love you more than Woody Allen moviesI will never love you more than the White album of the BeatlesI will never love you more than God only knows
I will never love you more than DVDs night with my girlfriendWhen we talk about stupid things like feelings and menI will never love you more than my boyfriend when I was 14Even if he's now an asshole, I will never love you more
And you say, you love me more than everythingAnd compared to me everything is nothing
I will never love you more than meeting Paul McCartneyAnd we asked him to play a song on my UkuleleI will never love you more than my Scandinavian tourWhich was more than paradise, I wish you remember it too
I will never love you more than dancing to Phil SpektorI will never love you more than my Casiotone keyboardI will never love you more than Daniel Johnston himselfFor me he's more than God, I will never love you more
And you say, you love me more than everythingAnd compared to me everything is nothing
Ohh this is sweet, I just wonder what it means
You say you love me more, than all the girls you've had beforeEven more than music, even more than yourselfEven more than everythingBut it's just a lieSo I will never love you more, than anything
I will never love you more than singing in the showerI will never love you more than my Mac computerI will never love you more than having a daughterI will never love you more than peanut butter
I will never love you more than kisses all dayI will never love you more than cuddles all nightI will never love you more than kissing girls lips when they're really pretty 
I will never love you moreI will never love you more
And yeah, I will never love you more than chocolate
I will never love you more than ice cream
I will never love you more than durian

ough.. why my lyric is full of food? 
Maybe that's true, when I love someone, I will never love him more than ...
Then I wouldn't get hurt, I wouldn't sacrifice myself. 


 

sekedar menulis

Gotcha..
May be now I know what I really want and what I really need. Even though it's painful but, that's life rite? We suffer and we learn. I can't dream a beautiful life which I can get everything I want, coz it is impossible.
I'll try as best I can, since I don't have anything remain in my life.
May be too late for me to change, but it's not too late to be the better me. I hope it's not too late as well to be happy and love myself more.
may be I'm too naive, that's what some people always say to me. Now I understand what they said so. I try to be positive to other, but I can't do it in my case.
Damn, life is so hard; sometimes I feel I can't continue.. but of course I can, I have You. You'll be there for me as always and always accept me for whatever I am.
hmm.. let this post as garbage.. I just need to express what I'm feeling right now.
nite..
 

life isn't a fairy tale

I want this, I want that.. I may have a long list of wishlist in my life. I want to have my own happy ending story. Yeah, we were told so many fairy tales when we're little, Cinderela, snow white, beauty and the beast, you named it. Or maybe some of happy ending Hollywood movies. I don't think about fairy tale like Cinderela etc. I don't like it, since it just gives a false hope. I just remember, long time ago, someone told me, that I expected a Cinderela story, a prince of charming with his white horse. Ough.. that's must be Pangeran Diponegoro.. No, he's wrong. really I'm not expecting a prince of charming with his white horse.

May be I'm just thinking about everlasting love, that someone really loves me, care about me and never cheated on me. Of course, understand me and accept me as who i am. Is that a fairy tale? May be. There are so many things happened in my life and having known someone else, listening their story may change my perspective a bit and makes me question everything. Cheating, having affairs with someone else may  already become a public secret. Life isn't black and white. A couple who already got married for more than 10 years may be break-up. So yeah, definitely life isn't a fairy tale. No wonder I've doubts and worry bout future. The future is unpredictable and again human is full of controversy. and yeah, may be happy ending story just in the movie, coz it's finish within 2 hours.

I am expecting a person do something like this and that. I am expecting other people to understand me. But that's only existed in my dream. Just waiting and waiting doesn't make it come true, rite? Sometimes I am just waiting a miracle, so I can get over from what I already did, I messed up my life. but yeah, how messed-up our life, in the end we'll know that we'll be okay. we just need courage to make it better. Sometimes I am questioning myself, am I brave enough to jump?


 

am I the problem?

someone told me that I'm too egoist, yes I am.
Someone told me that I'm too stupid to realize that he really love me. Am I?
May be I'm just too naive, so it's easy for me to get lost.
I realized life is so complicated, even though I want to see it in the simple way.
It's easy to accuse someone when something wrong happens.
Ya, kita butuh kambing hitam, yang bisa disalahkan ketika segala sesuatu tak sesuai dengan yang diharapkan, yang bisa disalahkan akan setiap kejadian.
Kadang kita memposisikan diri kita sebagai korban, bukan sebagai pelaku yang juga turut ambil bagian. Mungkin memang lebih enak memposisikan diri sebagai korban, bisa mendapatkan simpati dengan lebih mudah. bisa lebih mudah mendapatkan pendukung. and the question is, am I the problem? am I the victim?

for me, every single thing that happens in our life, give impact for the way we behave, we think, etc, etc..
ketika berpikir dari kacamata kita, tentu saja semuanya terlihat benar. dan mungkin tidak ketika orang lain melihatnya. namun mungkin ketika kita mengajak orang lain melihat dari kacamata kita, memakai sepatu kita, tentu akan beda lagi pendapatnya. bisa jadi orang tersebut kemudian menjadi pendukungmu nomor satu.

ketika berada di sebuah titik yang kabur, tak tahu kemana harus melangkah. entah harus melangkah atau tetap bertahan atau justru mundur? There are so many options in our life. Maybe life itself is a gamble. I don't know, what i know is, no mater how hard it is, in the end, we'll know that we'll be okay. No matter how hard, sad, or painful it is.


ketika sedih datang begitu hebatnya
 

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i'll update next time